whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You left your phone here
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