youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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