Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
