Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
