You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
