Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
