As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
