you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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