if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You pole danced in your parka.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
