Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
