So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
