The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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