After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
