friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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