I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
