Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
