Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
