your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The ass gains better be worth it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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