Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
