yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
