So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize