Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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