is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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