it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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