Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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