the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
