No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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