how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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