my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
