i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize