why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
