Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
