Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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