I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
