I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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