Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
