god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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