isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
