if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize