I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
