The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
