Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize