in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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