my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
