I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He did a backflip because drugs
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
