I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize