I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize