He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
