I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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