we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize