If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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