so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I enjoy the company of your penis
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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