i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
