btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
