Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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