I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
This baby is an asshole
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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